This is one of the hardest posts that I have had to write; the last several months have been a blur with a mix of emotions being mad at God, frustrated, discouraged, sadness, fear, anger, anxiety, the list goes on and on. Greg has continued to decline to the point that we have decided to get hospice and palliative care involved.
Greg started having some problems once he entered the nursing home, he would see himself in the mirror and start yelling because he didn't recognize himself, he would also pace the floors day and night until he would become so exhausted that he would simply sit down where ever he was, thus resulting in me getting a phone call saying he had fallen, when he really hadn't, he had just sat down because he had worn himself out. It came to the point where his safety and the safety of the staff at the nursing home became a concern so he was admitted to the Mental Health Unit at the VA Hospital where they adjusted his medications and he is now on the Community Living Center (CLC) at the VA. He is still having issues and is now not eating or drinking very well, has lost a significant amount of weight and is over all continuing to decline. So we made the decision to put Greg in Hospice/Palliative Care.
Over the last few years Greg has slowly been taken from me, Trevor,Nich,Elliot,Bryce, Kiefer, Bobbi, Nikki and Walter, little by little, piece by piece to where he no longer knows any of us; although we do occasionally get a great big grin when we mention specific names or things and he will speak clearly and tell you exactly what is on his mind.
It has been emotionally and mentally exhausting to watch the man that I promised to love forever, for better, for worse, in sickness and health, who helped me raise our sons, who has taught me so much about living life to its fullest, who was young and youthful and acted like a young adult himself become a shell of the man he once was. Greg is here but not here, he seems far away. It really is hard to put into words how it feels to lose someone who you have loved forever, to see them drift away from you, to see them become lost in their own world and to have to watch your children and grandchildren lose their father and grandfather.; to feel totally helpless.
But one thing that I have been taught through all of this is what unconditional love is; through 37+ years of marriage I have seen and experienced the best and the worst in Greg, we been through many happy times and many very difficult times and I would not have wanted to experience this life and all its adventures with anyone else by my side. Although it won't be easy to let Greg go; it's never easy to lose someone you love, I do know that he will be healed and whole and in the arms of his loving Lord and Savior and welcomed by many people who also love him.
It is with very mixed emotions that I write the latest update on Greg.
In the words of the song Maybe It's Okay by We Are Messengers
"Maybe it's ok if I'm not ok
'Cause the One who holds the world is holding onto me
Maybe it's all right if I'm not all right
'Cause the One who holds the stars is holding my whole life"
I knew that this day would come but did not know how emotionally draining it would be; it has been a crazy, hectic few months with lots of prayers by friends and family and discussions with Trevor, Nich, Elliott, Bryce , Kiefer, Bobbi and Nikki (Kiefer's fiance); but we have decided it is time to place Greg in a nursing facility.
Greg has continued to decline and is now requiring more and more care, so I decided to started placing calls to a few nursing facilities, basically to see what was available and to see if I could find out approximately how long the wait for an opening would be. My hopes were not very high. I had been praying for God to give me wisdom to make the right choice and to make it very clear to me that placing Greg in a facility was what we were supposed to do. I found 2 facilities with openings within 3 days. As many of you know to find one opening is unheard of but to find 2 is really almost impossible. One opening was in Canton at the Canton Good Samaritan , the other opening was at Tieszen Memorial Home in Marion.
After having a family meeting we decided to place Greg in Marion; I know the facility (my mom is there), mom has had excellent care, I have gotten to know a lot of the staff and am impressed with their caring attitude and the care they give the residents.
It will be an adjustment for all of us but will probably be harder on family then on Greg. The plan is to admit him and then not see him for 5 to 7 days so that he can get used to the facility and their routines. That will be the hardest part because Trevor, Elliott, Nich and myself are used to seeing Greg everyday, but we all evidently find our "new normal" just like Greg will.
Through all of this I have learned many things but a few that stand out are: I fully understand what unconditional love is, I have seen Greg at his best and at his worst; but no matter what has happened I still love him and always will, "for better, for worse, in sickness and in health, 'till death do us part"
I CAN do all things through Christ who strengths me. This one applies not only to me but to the boys . I have seen Trevor and Elliott get up with Greg at night so that I could get some sleep so I was able to go to work the next day. Trevor gets Greg up every morning and gets him dressed so that Nich; in spite of the crazy, hectic life that he and Bobbi have, can take Greg to Ceili Cottage. Walter who is always so loving and gentle with Greg. Bryce, Kiefer and Nikki who will give up a Saturday morning and sit with Greg so that I can run errands, go to coffee with the girls or just have some me time. Elliott who will pick Greg, if I call him at the last minute and ask. I have seen the boys do things that I didn't think they were capable of doing.
I am BLESSED with an amazing family, coworkers, friends and everyone involved in my life because without YOU I could not do this crazy thing called life and still keep my sanity.
