So this last month as been a rather trying one. It has had many, many ups and downs, highs and lows, valleys and mountains, deserts and rain forests.
I might be a great caretaker but I'm poor at taking care of myself, I'm good at hiding things, good at saying I'm fine, (just ask the people that I work with or that have known me for a while) even when I'm not; I've been saying it for so long that I think I sometimes say it without even realizing that I say it.
The whole problem being that I'm not fine. It took a major argument with a family member and saying some very, very harsh, nasty words (the kind you wish you would could take back and would have never said) with a very dear, close friend to make me realize that I AM NOT FINE.
I much as I hate to admit anything, I am suffering from depression, anxiety, insomnia, insecurity, the why mes, why our family, why Greg, and on and on, I have become Greg's security blanket, his anchor, the person that he always has eyes on when we are out in public. But to be there for Greg, my parents and who ever else depends on me; I need to learn to take care of me because if I don't take care of me, I can't take care of Greg or anyone else. I'm no help to anyone. So if you ask me how I am and I start unloading on you I apologize in advance. And if I say I'm fine you have my permission to inquire further to see if I really am fine or not.
I kept forgetting to take my medicine but was perfect in getting John what he had to have each day until I almost had a stroke! It was my wake up call. Now I have to physically say out loud to myself each day - take my pills first, "me first", then I can take care of John. I really do feel your pain ZoAnn. Call whenever you need to. Love you and God Bless. Remember, one task at a time and one day at a time. Don't borrow the future's possible woes - focus on today.
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