Held

So I'm sitting her in the hospital room with my mom, passing time as her sleeps after having an ERCP done because her common bile duct was blocked with all kinds of yucky stuff. And I think to my self how thankful I am that my parents now live in Sioux Falls and not Custer as they did three years ago. If they had not moved I would have spent 7 hours driving to get to her and worrying the whole way there.

Why is it that when something "bad" happens we immediately get fearful, instead of praying and trusting God that He is in control. Is it because it's human nature or is it because we say we trust God but don't know how to do it? For me it's because I don't know how to truly trust God. I try to but it's difficult and hard because I'm so busy trying to hold everything and everyone together, to be strong because that's what mom's ( who are caregivers) are suppose to do.

It's been a busy couple of days, especially with the snow, I've been spending time at the hospital plus driving my dad back and forth because I don't trust him on the roads. Tonight after I dropped dad off at his apartment and started driving toward my house to pick up a few things before heading back to the hospital for the night the song "Just Be Held" by Casting Crowns came on the radio. I've heard the song numerous times but tonight the words became more evident that they had ever been before.

All I need to do is let go and let God HOLD me. Take my eyes off the storm and everything that is going on around me and know that I know He is still on the throne and all I need to do is set my eyes on the cross and the One who is in control. God's arms are hugging me tight in the mist of everything. I just need to accept His hugs and trust in him and everything will be alright.
Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans"

I pulled in the Hy-Vee parking lot and let the tears flow, like they haven't for a long time, just letting the loving arms of my Savior hold me tight . What a wonderful feeling to be held like I've never been held before.

Hold it all together
Everybody needs you strong
But life hits you out of nowhere
And barely leaves you holding on

And when you're tired of fighting
Chained by your control
There's freedom in surrender
Lay it down and let it go

So when you're on your knees and answers seem so far away
You're not alone, stop holding on and just be held
Your worlds not falling apart, its falling into place
I'm on the throne, stop holding on and just be held
Just be held, just be held

If your eyes are on the storm
You'll wonder if I love you still
But if your eyes are on the cross
You'll know I always have and I always will

And not a tear is wasted
In time, you'll understand
I'm painting beauty with the ashes
Your life is in My hands

Lift your hands, lift your eyes
In the storm is where you'll find Me
And where you are, I'll hold your heart
I'll hold your heart
Come to Me, find your rest
In the arms of the God who wont let go

A Son's Perspective (written by Kiefer)

As many of you know this is my mother’s  blog. But a few weeks ago she asked me if I would write one for her. I told her I would think about it, as I didn't know what to say. I still don't. But I thought I would give it a try.

Living with a father that will one day forget who you are is the hardest thing I have had to face. Which coming from me is saying something. I have had to face many hard things in my short 21 years. Such as not knowing family members, seeing family members die too young and being taken from your family without a say.  There is nothing more terrifying than knowing your dad will not remember you one day. But even more painful than that, is knowing my future kids will not know him the way I will remember him.

Some people say you need to trust God and know that he has a plan. Which is very hard for me to do, as I do believe there is a God but he is not the one everyone thinks he is.

I guess the easiest way to deal with something like this is to find inner peace. As humans we want everything to go perfectly but that will never happen. So the best thing to do is enjoy the moments you have with someone, the good and the bad. And always remember that people will come and go from you life. But memories are forever. As far as the future kids go, I'm going to do my best to be how my father was with me. Always there and always making sure they have everything they need. If they ask about their grandpa, I will spare no detail and tell them how great of a man he was. He dad is my hero and I am scared to find out what life without him will be like.

Is It Worth IT?

So I write and rewrite these blogs wondering if any of them make sense and if  people are really interested in what I write or am I just wasting my time and effort. And then my to wise for his years 21 year old son Kiefer comes home and says that my blogs make sense to him and have helped him with his life.


Kiefer has gone through some major difficulties in his short 21 years, more than most 21 year olds. He's at the point  of not being sure what he wants to do with his life, but also so sure that he wants to do sound and lighting, like his older brother Nich. Kiefer has been on tour with bands and also worked for people who do sound and lighting and he has loved it. Especially the lightening side of the business. He has also had issues with friends and acquaintances as of late. 


If you have sons like mine when they talk you listen because they don't talk that often. Kiefer and I have had some of our greatest and deepest conservations via text message. And then occasionally Kiefer decides that we'll have a discussion in person. Which is exactly what he did after reading my last blog.


Per Kiefer, " No matter what happens in life, his dad will always he his dad and Kiefer will always be Kiefer". "It doesn't matter what people/acquaintances say or do, yes it hurts for a while and makes you mad, but you can't change them." "If you truly love someone, you'll always love them not matter if they are a part of your life or not, you need to be thankful for what and who you have in your life, for the time that you have it/them."


Since Kiefer and I had this deep discussion I have seen a change in him. He more calm and doesn't get upset as easily as he did, he's also willing to talk things out and not get angry right away. I saw these changes but really noticed them after he quit is job to move to Minneapolis and then at the last minute things fell through. Yes he was disappointed but he did not get angry and yell like I have seen him do in the past. He has stayed calm for the last three weeks while looking for a job and is more that excited to start his new job an Monday.


So is it worth it for me to write and rewrite these blogs. YES..... if I can make the difference in one person that it is so worth it.